A change of direction... AGAIN...

Last night I spent a long time discussing the pros and cons of the latest incarnation of my story. Eventually, it was decided that the creatures were being kept in the story merely for the sake of having them there. They served a pretty good purpose, but it created this confusion between the real world and the fantasy world that I just couldn't solve. In response to this, my latest idea is to make the entire story fantasy. The creatures will be there but they will exist in their own world. The creatures are going to be called The Takers. They're basically symbolic of our relationship with the planet. In this version of events, a young taker is going to be the catalyst for change. Here's my super fast general plot structure...

Equilibrium

We see the world of the ‘takers’.  It runs parallel to our own. We discuss what they do in terms of destroying the environment, exploiting other creatures etc. They take what they can and what they want with no issues. Our main character is a young ‘taker’.

Disruption

She suddenly feels uneasy with the current situation that she lives in - This can either just be due to curiosity/compassion or she may witness some kind of event or have some kind of experience that leads her to asking these questions – I think she should meet a wise taker who has lived vegan for her entire life. This way she can say with authority that we don’t need to eat animals and stuff, because as far as she knows, maybe you DO need to eat animals. (although this is becoming dangerously similar to my original story now)

Recognition

She begins to ask why things are the way they are and why we can’t change them – This can be portrayed by her going to various Takers and asking “Why do we take...” “We have more than enough…” So she will be confronting the adult takers with their choices, each time though they will answer back in a profoundly stupid and selfish way. This allows for good repetition, which is quite important in children’s books. “NO NO NO – He said back, his eyes burning with rage, There’s no problem with locking him up in a cage” etc etc.

Repair

She tries to forget what she’s seen and tries to fit back in with society. She is unable to though, because she knows what she has seen is wrong in her heart.

New Eq

The child creature feels lost and isolated but finally one of the takers she approaches agrees with what she has to say… Or perhaps one of the takers she’d already spoken to comes around after calming down. Something nice, that gives an air of hope.

That was all I needed to get started. As such, I've begun writing my rhyming version already which is as follows...

In the dark twisted woods, deep and hidden from view,

Live creatures that we call the takers, it’s true.

The takers all take, as their name would imply,

At night time they take all the blue from the sky.

They take babies from mums; they take brothers and sons,

They take daughters and sisters and put them in buns.

They take friendly, sweet creatures and turn them to shoes,

They take everything they want, they’d even take you.

So the takers all took ‘til their bellies were fat,

Until one day, a young taker came and changed that.

See, the taker called Jess liked to think and to feel,

She had never felt right with the taker’s ideals.

So this here is the story of how that young girl,

Through a small act of kindness, would help change their world.

On a dark, starlit night, Jess was walking back home,

When she spotted an Inglebark all on its own.

She could see by the look in its eyes it was scared,

So she instantly hugged him and stroked his soft hair.

This will no doubt change. I like SOME of what's been written but I'm not sure about all of it. I also feel somewhat uneasy about inventing the names of creatues (like Inglebark) because it just feels like I'm doing a Dr Seuss. But yeah, that's where I'm at now. I can see this method coming across well, and I also like that it's somewhat dark in comparison to the cute version of events from my first script.

Oh yeah, it should also be stated that initially this idea was just to have the creatures eat real human children, but this could also cause a conflict between the real world and the fantasy world. I may yet simplify this version of events to being about our dietary habits, but it's just so tempting to portray the takers as beings that take anything and everything that they want - as humans do.

*UPDATE*

I've written a few scenarios for the repetition element that I think work quite well.

“Excuse me?” The girl said, with a smile on her face,

“Why do we need to put all these creatures in crates?”

“We’ve got plenty of food and we wouldn’t cause harm,

"If we all just stopped eating creatures like this one."

 “No no no!” He replied “You just don’t understand,

“We’re the takers who take, and we take what we can.”

“Excuse me?” Said the girl, standing on tippy-toes,

“Why on Earth would you make living beings into clothes?”

“We’ve got hundreds of things we could use just as well,"

"I don’t think that it’s right to put creatures through hell.”

“No no no!” He replied “You just don’t understand”

“We’re the takers who take, and we take what we can”

“Excuse me?” Said the girl, standing under the stars,

“Why do we need to keep some of them behind bars?”

“We don’t need to do that. Can’t we leave them alone?

"Why would we lock them up far away from their home?”

“No no no” She replied, “You just don’t understand”

“We’re the takers who take, and we take what we can.”



I think the repetition of the last line works well and also gives an opportunity to have a variation repeat for the final line. Something that summarises how they have changed... I don't know what yet. I hesitate to say "givers" for fear of being attacked with sexual innuendo. I'll think about it some more.